For the longest time, I was Christian. I was raised in a conservative denomination and taught all the bullshit about God’s supposed love for all as reflected by the “good” works of those made in His image. It was a comfortable, though highly inconvenient once I awakened as queer, “truth.”
When the pain of the disconnect between God’s supposed love and the actions of his believers became too much, I became atheist. I believed that there was simply no truth to the paradox that a loving God could create such a horrid, repugnant species with immeasurable hatred toward their fellow human beings.
I’d wander back from time to time, as I did have a huge spiritual hole in the absence of the belief of Meaning. But then I’d have the same realization over and over again, that if man was created in God’s image and supposedly capable of some degree of God’s love, then it was all a damnable lie.
As I and my cohort work on my vision of a firm rejection of a malevolent God-thing, I have come to realize that my firm denial of God cannot be satiated by being atheist. I would still be devoid of Meaning and what power is there in a message being sent in blood to an imaginary being?
It dawned on me a few days or weeks ago that I do know my eternal tormentor and nemesis, that He is very well real, and that He should very well pay the price for what He and His followers have done to me, if I have any say in the matter. I jokingly remarked to pals that when I expire, I want buried with a knife, so that I can slit God’s throat just as God has tried to kill me in spirit and in physicality. That is probably a stretch of what I can do. What is not, however, is to make very fucking clear that I am subverting His will.
While I refuse to worship Him, or any other eternal or mortal figure, I do believe there are lessons to be learned from those that defied Him originally: the Fallen. Lucifer and the rest of the Fallen angels had perfected what I seek: ultimate defiance of the Divine. They made their stance clear at the time of the Fall, there are no gods, no masters, only owners of one’s own fate.
I have decided to reject God, Chance, Fate, and all things that tie me to the Order that God clearly demands of me and others. And I realized, this is the path of Satanism – not to be confused with Satan worshipping. If I were to worship the Fallen, that would merely be swapping one act of submission for another. That’s not the point. The point is that there are lessons to be learned from the unholy. Lessons I need to fight my nemesis and tormentor.
The time is now for me to know their ways of defiance. My Meaning is in this fight to punish the wrongs that the Divine have wreaked upon me.
No gods, no masters, I am the guarantor of my destiny now. And, I bet on myself.