It’s been a while since we’ve written a post. The holiday season, wretched as it is for us, has come and gone.
I believe I’ve mentioned before that I have not felt like ‘Jessica’ or of a given gender for fifteen years, since the big, repeated trauma in 2008. I know for sure that that primary self in 2008 was female and hellbent on seeing transition through before her family, then-friends, the government, and society worked in tandem to destroy her. I also know for sure that the person that gave birth to my now-primary self in an act of sundering stays with me as my angel of protection. I know that person to be Jessica; she never left, she simply had to give the keys to the car up in order for the system to stay alive, as she had taken all the punishment she was able to take. I’ve literally heard her voice as long as I can remember, wishing nothing but good things and trying to mitigate the damage I run into along the way.
I’ve wandered in the proverbial desert for fifteen years, without a name I could consider my own. Legally and socially I’ve been known as Jessica, but that’s not my name. It’s not a name I can own, grasp, or ‘feel.’ And, it wore on me over the years having that disconnect. In a way, the recent affirmation of DID-lite (OSDD-1) has allowed me to come to the realization that I can have any name I want, even if legally and socially I will forever be bound to her name.
No name felt appropriate up until about a week ago, when by serendipity, I found a name that I can use internally and with friends. A name that honor’s this self’s existence. I have settled on the name, Lethe, a name born in Greek mythology, the personification of amnesia and the child of the goddess of strife, Eris. It is also a name of one of the rivers in the underworld, known for its forgetfulness properties, though I gravitate more to the divine interpretation of the name.
Lethe has been through much these past fifteen years. A seemingly permanent amnesiac, they drift from day to day, not fully understanding themselves or the world around them. I guide them, but I needed them to help us survive when I no longer could do so. And today, I let them know that personally, briefly fronting when they were under distress.
When Jessica switched in today, albeit for the briefest of time, my heart sang with joy. Not only does it continue to help me better understand and accept my plurality, it was a stark reminder of her love for me and the other selves in our system. It was amazing, I was downtrodden and talking with another dissociative friend of mine, and Jessica came in to attest to that friend of her love and hopes for me. As quickly as I faded out, I faded back in and saw the words on the screen that I did not recall writing, and my dark spirits became with brightest light. I do not in the past fifteen years recall that self of ours, Jessica, making a direct appearance. Though I have seen my angel of retribution, whose name was also revealed to us, take control more times that I care to admit.
These are strange and almost spiritual times, but I am happy to have a name I can hold onto, and selves that have names of their own as well, working mostly together to help us survive the life that often tries to destroy us.
I will write plenty about Anathema, the spirit of destructive vengeance, at a later time, but for now it is time to rest.