I had trauma therapy two days in a row next week as I will not be able to attend next week’s session in person, and my therapist and I went over the euphoric feelings I’ve having as my system begins to communicate better. I asked her point blank, many times if we were getting this right, and I suspect my hesitation to radically accept my plurality in full is due to a combination of my latent fear of commitment to anything (including life) as well as trying to reconcile the spiritual and metaphysical underpinnings of such a realization with my core self (Lethe) that has been subject to their own horrors in the name of religion these past fifteen years.
That said, our therapist kindly reminded us that we should be focusing on the questions rather than the immediate answers. Answers may or may not truly come, but if we focus on the questions of our dissociated psyche, that matters more than anything else right now.
(Lethe has been reaching out to us frequently as of late, wanting to know better who we are, Anathema and myself in particular. I try and reassure them that knowing us will not make them fade. The Horrors may have caused me to fade fifteen years ago, but that same fate need not strike Lethe. We want them to know us and understand why we have watched over them these past fifteen years in particular, even if Anathema can be heavy-handed with their protective wishes)
I tried an exercise the other night where I went into trance and asked Jessica to write to me. Many systems and dissociation experts suggest writing as a means of establishing communication between selves in a system, and though Jessica and I have communicated to some degree for fifteen years, truly establishing the trust and connection needed to really observe how she operates and to get to know her to the degree I need to do feel comfortable “giving back the keys” at times does require a heightened effort at communication.
As she mentioned above, she faded during the time of what she refers to as ‘The Horrors’ of 2008 (and I found out from her, parts of 2009 as well). In her lengthy note to me, she reiterated her commitment to me and the others in the system, and my ability to trust her, though already high, was heightened in a positive fashion.
I told all of this to my therapist, who was ecstatic to see the change in demeanor for myself from even a month ago. I am feeling some of Jessica’s peace. I am starting to understand some of her wisdom. And with a bit more effort, I will not just feel like all of this is true, but will fully know it to be true as well.
Therapy ended today with a both a warning and a promise. This is merely the first leg in what will be an arduous journey into the deepest recesses of our psyches – as we both need to discover ourselves and resolve the trauma that has distressed us so throughout our lives. They reminded us that we will need to make the climb up the mountain, with the goal being the summit, but that we only rest at those overlooks where we can see how far we’ve come, powering through the rest of the journey with resolve and self-kindness.